Hawkeye's Time of the Month
by Kurissyma san Tybalt
Summary: Hawkeye's in a foul mood and Mustang's found himself right in the middle of it. The military gang reckons they're doing him a favour by watching his back, but are they? ROYAI! Rated M for double entendres, suggestiveness and vague lime. Nonexplicit


**AN. Lol I started this forever ago and MSD finally prompted me to finish it a little while ago. She also came up with a few of the lines but I won't spoil it by saying which. Hope y'all like!! –Riss**

**Warning: Double entendres, suggestiveness and very very slight lime. Not sure you could even call it that. In any case, it's the very first story I get to top with an M rating, LOL! Enjoy!!**

Hawkeye's Time of the Month 

PMSing was not fun for any girl. It was however, very amusing for many female onlookers if that girl was the legal holder of several handguns and in charge of a small team of men. And this week, the demon notoriously known as The Red Menace had chosen everyone's favourite victim.

Riza Hawkeye.

And let me tell you, she was _not_ taking it well.

"Where's Colonel Mustang?" she asked, walking into the office at exactly 8am and scrutinizing the room irritably.

The other men looked down and Havoc whistled innocently (or guiltily, as the case may be).

"Don't you usually drive him to work, Havoc?"

"Me? Huh? No! Why? You don't think-? No, of course not!"

Riza reached into her holster and drew her gun out, clicking off the safety with an expert flick of her index finger.

"HE'S TAKING THE GIRL FROM THE FLOWERSHOP TO BREAKFAST, HAWKEYE, MA'AM!"

Riza didn't replace the safety but she did reholster her gun. "I'm going to get the day's paperwork for us both. If he gets in before I return, kindly tell him that I'd like to speak to him."

Breda and Havoc exchanged glances and Fuery gulped loudly.

Throwing one last tetchy look around the room, she turned sharply and left.

"PMSing?" said Havoc the moment the door shut.

"Oh, definitely."

-

"Morning, men!" said Roy brightly as he walked into the office.

His subordinates only cowered in reply and Roy appeared to be confused by this- _he_ obviously didn't keep a calendar…

"Who stole all of your cookies?"

Havoc peeked out from under his desk and breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh, it's just you, sir!" he cried gratefully.

"Who else would it be?" asked Roy, sitting down at his desk.

"Hawkeye, sir," Fuery whimpered.

"And?"

"It's her time of the month," Havoc whispered, shooting a cautious glance towards the door. "…But she said for us to tell you that she wants to _talk_ to you as soon as you get in."

Mustang didn't seem phased, in fact, he grinned and chuckled to himself. "Okay then."

The men stared at him in horror and amazement, but were kept silent by Riza's appearance at the door. She walked in to dump a pile of paperwork on her desk and then glanced over at Roy, nodding. "Good, I need you. Come with me Colonel."

Roy skipped off obediently and then the door shut behind them.

"What do you reckon she'll do to him?" asked Fuery, chewing his bottom lip worriedly.

"Do you reckon we should follow them?" asked Breda.

"Isn't that kind of an invasion of privacy?" said Fuery, chewing his lip anxiously.

"No, not at all!!" Havoc exclaimed and Breda agreed.

"Yeah!! In fact, I bet the Colonel'd WANT us to rescue him!!"

"Really?" asked Fuery, perking up a little. "I guess if you put it _that_ way…"

"Good! So you're in!" Breda exclaimed and Fuery shrugged, shrinking away slightly at his enthusiasm.

"…Sure."

"So did anyone see which way they went?"

No reply.

"Maybe we should split up?" Havoc suggested.

"Sounds good," Breda agreed. "Falman- you and me can go right and split up when the corridor forks and Fuery can go left with Havoc and do the same. Got it?"

"Yes sir!" The men agreed together.

"Great," said Fuery. "But what exactly are we looking for?"

"Hmm… That's a good question," Falman agreed, stumped.

"Well, what do us guys usually do when we're frustrated?" asked Havoc and he watched as the other three men all reached the same conclusion together. "Yeah," he stated plainly. "My guess is that they're in Heaven or Hell right now: Either battling it out somewhere or off having a quick fuck in some store closet."

Fuery could only blush ruby red at the latter part of the answer he had been afforded, not really willing to accept that that was really quite a feasible possibility… "Let's go then," he said eventually. "That's probably all we'll get to go on and we'd better not dally if the Colonel might be in trouble!"

All agreeing to this, the men ordered a quick pool on the outcome (which, as men, they were wont to do) before scattering in their respective directions.

Fuery sighed to himself as he waved off Lieutenant Havoc at the end of their shared corridor and they parted ways. Why did he have to put that image in his head? Now he'd never be able to look at a storage closet the same way again…

"_Roy…"_

The poor virgin Sergeant Major froze as the tiny moan reached his ears, turning his head slowly in the direction from which it had come, only to find… a storage closet. Oh God, Havoc, why?! Why tempt fate?! Unable to resist, he leaned closer slightly and pressed his ear against the door.

"_Roy…"_

"_Try to be quiet, Riza. We really shouldn't be in here," _came Roy's slightly strained voice in reply.

"_I'll stop moaning if __**you**__ stop making stupid moves. What were you thinking- sticking that there?! Your game really needs some work."_

"_That's why I asked you to teach me, Rize. I can't do it with the General if I can't do it with you."_

"_Are you saying that the General is better than I am?"_ There was a slight note of offence to her tone now and Fuery could practically see the frown on her face- though it wasn't hard since he was already imagining her body… Her beautiful _naked_ body…

"_Not sure… You ever played with the Gen. before? You two are definitely the best I've ever done, if it helps."_

"_Yeah, we've played once or twice but not in a long time… Maybe the three of us will have to settle it together later…"_

"_Sounds fun."_

"Find them, Fuery?" asked a hopeful Havoc, whose voice seemed to startle the poor little man so greatly that he jumped almost a foot in the air- good thing the guy was lightweight. If BREDA had jumped up like that, there would have been quiiiiiiite a crash coming down- enough to warrant the couple hearing him, no doubt. No matter how… _busy_ they might be.

As it was, Fuery could only poor to the door and nod silently, unable to make his mouth form words.

"Awesome," Havoc whispered, grinning as he, too, leaned closer to the door. "What's happening?"

"They're talking dirty," Fuery murmured shakily. "A moment ago… They were talking about who was the best fuck: Hawkeye or… well, I think they may have been were talking about Major General Olivier Armstrong…" He shivered at the thought.

Havoc grinned widely and tuned himself into the pair's conversation, an ear against the door alongside his comrade's.

"_Uhh… Just move it faster, __**sir**__. We don't have all day!"_

A sigh from Roy. _"What, so I'm not allowed to savour my victory over Riza Hawkeye?"_

"_You haven't won yet!! Now, like I said: hurry it up a bit! You aren't usually this slow!"_

"_Shut up, Riza…"_

"_Do you really have to take that long to decide where to put it?"_

"_Riza…"_ Roy growled, followed by silence and then a short cry.

"_Roy! You spilled that over me!!"_

"_Gee, I can't tell- me and my equipment are wet too, you know,"_ came Roy's sarcastic reply. _"Don't tell me that you've never spilled anything in your life."_

"_Oh, don't be like that, Roy. You know what I'm like- spilling my juice all over the place back home…" _Riza sighed resignedly. _"But I really can't go back outside like this…"_

"_No problem at all: I'm not done playing with you yet... and we'll play my way this time."_

"Hey, you guys found them!!" Breda whispered excitedly as he nearer to the two men, now crouched by the doorway. Havoc drew away from the door at the sound of his voice, but Fuery kept his ear close by.

"_R-Roy! Don't bite me there! you know I'm sensitive! And w-what about the game? Ohhhhhh!"_

"_Feel good, baby?"_

"_Mmm… Yes, but you know we have to be… Ohhh… We have to be quiet, Roy…"_

Havoc and the others joined Fuery at the door again now, not really understanding why he was blushing quite as furiously as he was as he was.

"_Hey Roy, I was wrong… Your game __**has**__ gotten better."_

"_Well this is a very special game- one that needs constant practise, right?"_

"_Constant…" _Riza sighed in agreement. _"But I wish you wouldn't be so rough with your equipment…"_

"_Afraid I'll break it?"_

"_Yes, and guess who you'll be blaming afterwards. Ah!! Royyy…"_

"_What? Another criticism?"_

"_Well you stepped on my bloody toe!"_

"_What did we say about being quiet, Rize?"_

"_Well…"_

"Hey guys!" Once again, the men jumped in shock as they heard the last of their little search party approaching and, once again, Fuery was the only one still listening at the door as the others turned to greet Falman.

"_Well, what?"_

"_Well if you didn't arouse me this way then I wouldn't have to make up stupid excuses like 'stepped on my toe' every time I want to moan! I can't bear being silent while you play with me, Roy! I want to moan your name loud enough that the whole world can hear it!!"_

"…_I know, love, but it's just not safe. If anyone were to hear us…"_

Suddenly Fuery felt rather as though he was trespassing on forbidden ground, but when he turned to look at the other men, they were a few metres off, explaining exactly what they had been hearing to Falman in hushed voices and vivid detail. Not sure whether he was glad that they hadn't heard or upset that they weren't there to pull him away from the door, Fuery allowed himself to be drawn into listening once again.

"_Please, Roy. I'm burning… I want to see you spill more than your water bottle before we get back to the office…" _Riza was whispering desperately, then she lowered her voice so greatly that Fuery had to really strain his ears to hear the next words she spoke through even the lightweight closet door _"I want you to spill your seed into my body."_

"_And to think that we started off playing chess…"_

"_Please, Roy."_

"_You have to promise me that you won't scream, or moan, or make any noise at all," _he warned her with a sigh. "You know how sound carries…"

"_And you, promise me the same," _Riza agreed.

There were a few moments of relative silence then and Fuery had to force himself to blink rapidly to free his mind of the haunting image he had of his muscular and handsome superior officer thrusting into that divine little goddess… No! Naughty mind! Bad thoughts!!

A sharp intake of breath from inside the room caught Fuery's attention as the next notable sound to be emitted from either of the two. Then a tiny, low moan that, had he not his ear pressed against the door at that moment, he would never have heard- just like many of the other private moments that had passed between those two over the past half-hour or so.

"_Not a sound… like I promised…" _came, somewhat shakily, from the Lieutenant as she was freed from the rough waves of her orgasm.

"_You did very well, my dear."_

"_I did, didn't I?" _Riza agreed smugly. _"Now come on, there's paperwork to be done. Maybe we can do this more often, eh?"_

Fuery scrambled away from the door quickly, at that- catching the attention of Mustang's other subordinates standing nearby- Havoc still relating to Falman the innuendo from before.

"They done?" he asked disappointedly as he saw Fuery stumbling towards their group.

Fuery nodded soundlessly, blush gone and pale as a sheet once more.

"Well, I gotta hand it to you little guy- you turned out to be the biggest pervert of us all, staying by that door on your cute little vigil," Breda pointed out with a grin. "So tell us what you heard, yeah?"

Fuery opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by Hawkeye and Mustang emerging together from the tiny room.

"What's up, Chief?" Havoc called brightly with a little wave.

"Ah, look, Lieutenant- they caught us. Just like I knew they would," Roy sighed, amazingly calm about the whole thing.

"That's right!" Breda exclaimed. "We know exactly what you and Hawkeye were doing in there!"

"Then you know about her promise to teach me to play Chess?" asked Roy, holding up the board and frowning as though he couldn't see the big deal about it at all.

"He really is quite hopeless," Riza backed him up. "He made quite a fool of himself in front of General Grumman this past Christmas."

"'The General'…" Havoc repeated, his face falling. "Oh…" His head drooped sadly but, as a result of such, he caught sight of something else…

"Oh, I told you they'd notice," Riza sighed, following his gaze with a flustered glance at her Colonel. "-That I'd never make it to the washroom before they noticed your little spill!" She waved an empty water bottle in his face irritably before turning back to Havoc. "Yes, the idiot Colonel was losing rather terribly and, in his anguish, he managed to knock over his water bottle." She shrugged with a little 'but what can you do?' look about her, almost as though she were a mother who had just caught her child doing one of those annoying little things that every kid does even though he or she knows that it's wrong- like eating all the cookie batter before it can even go in the oven, and hiding their broccoli underneath their plates, or slipping it under the table to the family dog when nobody's looking. That sort of thing. …Not that Hawkeye wasn't enough like the lot of them's mom, already.

Every possible question the men could think of to do with what'd they'd heard was here met with a reasonable explanation and, when their questioning was done with, they just gave up and walked away. Only Fuery remained, having heard a great deal more than the others and not buying into their stories- even if some of them were, indeed, quite true, in the beginning, at least.

"Something wrong, Sergeant Major?" asked Roy, when he didn't leave with the others, but Fuery just shook his head quickly and professed an urgent need for the bathroom, which the couple seemed to accept because they merely nodded and walked on past him.

Waiting until he saw them turn the corridor, Fuery bolted for the store closet, eyes wide in anticipation. Quickly, he rooted around the small, cramped space he found himself in, searching for a sign that he wasn't crazy, and that Hawkeye and Mustang had been doing more than just playing chess. Yes, the water spill was there on the floor but that didn't prove anything…

At last, however, when he was just about to give up, he struck gold and found himself quite prepared to be as happy as a clam for the rest of the day: He had finally found the evidence he had been looking for, but it wasn't just that.

After all, no matter what the circumstances: the holder of a pair of Hawkeye's little white lace panties was verrrry lucky man.

…Even if it did cost him a 28-cenz donation to Havoc's cancer stick funds…


End file.
